Love Letter: Big Girl

I've decided that with a new baby coming, it would be a good idea to write a little letter to my older kids so that they can look back and know that regardless how many kids we have, each of them is precious and beloved.

Dear Big Girl,

You and I, we have a long history. It all started around 8 years ago. I know you're only 5 right now, but I promise this will make sense. Before your Daddy and I were married or even dating, you were already a part of my heart. You see, one day in an uncommonly warm October, I was praying in a little chapel in a convent. I was sitting in front of Jesus, doing my best to give my heart to Him. For the first time in my life, God put a perfect picture in my head. I could see this vision with such abundant clarity and I still remember it today. What I saw was you, little girl. You were about 9 or 10 months old, sitting up on my lap. Your hair had that beautiful orangey-red tint it had when you were very little (I still see it in the summer light). I was sitting in our brown wooden rocking chair Nana and Granddad loaned to us and your Daddy was standing behind me smiling. We weren't sitting still, we were reacting to things around us. At the time, your Daddy didn't know, but ever since I told him I know it's given him lots of joy to know that God planned you before He had brought Daddy and I together. It took God another few years before that moment came to be, but I remember the day we were sitting together just like my vision, and I was so grateful. That's how, when I found out you were growing in my tummy, I knew you were a girl without any doctor having to tell me. Daddy and I even picked out your name before you were in my tummy because we both trusted God was going to bring you, our little dream girl, to us once we were married.

Since you've been born, you've given me so much joy. You have been the source of so many firsts for me. You made me a Mommy and through you I've learned so much more about love, caring, and compassion that I could ever have dreamed of knowing. You have always been a joyful, thoughtful and loving little lady. When I feel like I'm failing you as your Mum, you find a new way to show me that even though I'm not perfect, you keep turning out beautifully despite me. I love everything about you, from head to toe and all the in-betweens. If I had to pick one thing about you to say was my favourite part, I'd probably say how loving you are. You love your little brothers and your sister, your Daddy and I with a love I can only hope to emulate. You love yourself in a way that is completely unselfish and not at all vain. You demand of others the same unselfish love and respect. I also love how fierce you are in the face of injustice. When something doesn't make sense to you, or when someone is trying to hurt you, your gentle exterior melts away and you are so brave. You don't scream or hit, you use your words and stand your ground. Sometimes you even do this with your Daddy and I if you feel so strongly that we're being too hard on you. In the moment that may be difficult to deal with, but in the end I love so much how much you respect yourself that you won't face what you see as an injustice with quietude. As you get older, please don't lose this part of yourself. I promise I will nurture it as best as I can. I also love your faith. Jesus isn't just an idea to you, He's your comfort and friend. When you're sad or afraid, I often hear you alone in your room, turning to God to give you strength. Your faith is so natural, so unassuming. It's part of who you are at your core.

I could spend the rest of my life telling you everything about you that I love, but for today just let me say that I love you. I love you for everything you are to me and our family and our friends. I love you for the way you love others. I love you for the way you love yourself. As you get older, I can only hope that these beautiful parts of you that shine through even at the age of 5 keep getting brighter and stronger. I can already tell you're going to be an incredible woman. The kind of woman who takes the whole world on and challenges everyone around you to be a little better than just good enough.

Thank you for making me a Mummy. Thank you for teaching me what motherhood really means. Thank you for being my precious daughter, my collaborator, my co-conspirator, and my friend. Thank you for loving me, even through my worst days.

I love you, little lady. Always and forever.

Birthdays

This post isn't exactly timely in the sense that it has nothing to do with Advent, Christmas or the Mayan Un-Apocalypse. This post is about something that's been brewing since October. You see, friends, I had a birthday. The number isn't even remotely important, but rather that it was my birthday. As I recall I had more than one person upset that I didn't make a big deal out of the fact that it was my birthday. Not because I'm ashamed of my age (wooo! 30!), but because, for me, birthdays are not that big of a deal. Don't get me wrong, I will celebrate the crap out of your birthday. I will work excessively hard picking out THE perfect gift to make you smile. If I have occasion to I will make you a cake, possibly from scratch, and I will get loads of candles and sing "Happy Birthday" to you so loud and ridiculously that you'll be embarrassed. Because that's how I roll. On your birthday, anyway.

On my birthday, however, I prefer a more incognito approach. I will stay home if I can. I won't give you any good gift ideas (because I really don't need anything I don't already have, except for clothes for some reason). I won't want you to take me out to a restaurant and have waiters and waitresses sing enthusiastically while I wear a silly hat. If possible, I would simply have most people in the world not even notice my birthday at all. That's easier said than done in the age of Facebook, of course. If you simply wish me a happy birthday, I will be delighted of course, but I won't want a fuss beyond that. It gave me great joy this year that I managed to have my birthday pass by unnoticed by my Moms group, much to the chagrin of one of my closest friends (mwahah!). On a select few occasions, such a very cool concert, I have gone out for my birthday, but my preference is to stay in. I kid you not when I say that I honestly do not even want presents. I get that it makes everyone else feel great to give (as I said, I myself LOVE to pick out that perfect present when I know it'll make YOU smile), but for me, I'd rather see you take that money and spend some quality time with a loved one.

Growing up, I recall feeling much the same way. I didn't have a lot of birthday parties, though evidence shows my parents had several for me before I was old enough to say yes or no. I preferred sleepovers when I was little. As I got older, I just wanted to stay in with my folks and have a meal. My family has one birthday tradition that I loved, which was that whoever's birthday it was could pick what we had for supper. Just so you know, and I know you're dying to know, I almost always chose tortellini. I loves me my carbs. We'd almost always finish it off with an ice-cream cake Mom would pick out that day, or a few days before. I remember the year she special ordered a turkey-shaped ice-cream cake for my oldest brother. (That, by the way, was one of many moments that proved my family was a little weird.) Gift wise, unless I had something really particular in mind, my folks would pick out something on the more or less random side of things. When I was still young enough to live at home, I recall my Mom proudly presenting me with a cast iron stand-alone coat rack, so I could "hang up you coat upstairs instead of leaving it on the floor". Thanks, Mom. Haha. It became something of a gag over the years and eventually I re-gifted it to my Mom when I moved out, so she could, y'know, "hang up your towels instead of just leaving them on the floor". Yeah. We're a fun family.

Some people might think I'm bitter or whatever and that's why I don't want to make a big deal, but it couldn't be further from the truth. I can hardly be bitter when by and large the reason my family celebrated my birthday the way they did was because I asked them to. Even as a kid I didn't get the big deal. Yeah, of course, wish me a happy birthday (and I will be deadly hurt if my family forgets THAT), but beyond that I don't want or need anything. Except for maybe some tortellini and my hands on the remote control for the night. I've got everything I need in my life, my husband and our kids, a loving extended family, and all the necessities to get through the day. Everything else pales in comparison. So next year when my birthday rolls around, don't worry about it. Unless you are married to me or are the woman who gave birth to me (or are married to her), I don't need or expect a "Happy Birthday" from you (though that's nice, of course). If you insist that you can't pass the date without giving me something, please consider taking that money and giving it to a charity to help those who aren't as lucky as I am year round. I may have a big personality sometimes, but what I'm really about is celebrating the gifts I get to have all year. So give me your warm wishes, give me your prayers, but most of all, give me the time to celebrating who you are to me, not just that I had the good fortune to be born.