Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Eviction Notice

Dear Baby,

I am writing this letter in order to inform you that your lease is up. When you first took up your tenancy we agreed upon a 9 month lease with no option to renew. I feel I have been more than lenient in allowing you a few days grace period to pack your things and make a graceful exit. You gave me the false impression a few weeks ago that you were prepared to find a new situation but as of yet I see no additional effort to clear out.

Let me be clear: I have enjoyed having you as a resident these 9 months, although you had little respect for the utilities and have tended to engage in late night parties with your crony placenta. All in all it has been a real delight sharing this unit with you. That being said, I feel that you have outgrown the space allotted to you and as I currently have no additional space not already in use it would be beneficial for you to seek another place to lay your head.

Speaking of which, I recently had the great pleasure of touring a new spot that would be perfect for you. It has a much better view, is much larger and best of all doesn't have the issues with humidity so characteristic of your current situation. If you'd like to interview previous tenants they're all prepared to give the most glowing reviews. They each stayed for at least a year before upgrading to a larger premises.

As for the former tenants, they would also be happy to welcome you and help you settle in. We have a professional hired for your exit from this unit. Don't worry, she's excellent and can come regardless the time of day. Once she's helped with your move-out the other tenants as well as my co-landlord, you can call him Daddy, will do all we can to help you adjust to your new home.

So have no fear, this eviction isn't an end, it's a beginning. I will remind you, however, that if you don't see fit to prepare quickly to leave we will have to consider other options and possibly involve some professional help. Please be advised it would be better for all of us if we could do this thing quietly, quickly, and with minimal fuss.

All the best,

The Landlord

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